Questions......

The question was, how can prospective adoptive parents know they are not participating in unethical international adoptions?

I want to preface with another question: If there are 147,000,000 orphans in the world, why would people who profit from adoption feel the need to create more orphans?

According to UNICEF, UNAIDS and USAIDS nearly 90% of the children in orphanages worldwide are not orphans, but have at least one living parent. UNICEF estimates that 95% of the world’s orphans are over 5 years of age while nearly 90% percent of all adoptions in the U.S. are of children under the age of 5. 


If these numbers are accurate, then the answer is obvious. The adoption industry must meet the 'demand' (how I hate to use the words 'industry' and 'demand' next to the word adoption!) for the 90% of adoptive parents who want young healthy children, thus the need to create orphans. Ugh. Did I just say create orphans? I feel sick.


So how can well-intentioned adoptive parents make sure they are not contributing to the problem of child trafficking? 


First of all, these unethical practices have taken the form of child buying, to child stealing, to tricking parents into thinking they are sending their children for an education, to simply persuading the parents that their children will have a better life in America if they will sign them away for adoption. I haven't exactly taken a course or read a book on this or anything but from my experience here are a couple of things I would suggest you do to ensure your adoption is ethical:


-Think of adoption as a means to provide a family for a child, not to provide a child for a family. Not that adoption can't be a tremendous blessing to both parent and child, but I think it's important to really understand the losses and why adoption exists in the first place.


-Consider adopting an older child or a child with special needs.  If a child has shaken baby syndrome, fetal alcohol syndrome, is HIV+, tests positive for cocaine, or has spent years and years in the foster care system, there is no doubt they need a family, although those kids are typically the most difficult to place.


-Ask yourself why a perfectly healthy infant might be 'available' for adoption, and if the child is healthy and attached, what can you do to help the mother raise her own child?


-Before you adopt, know how you feel about adopting poverty orphans or orphans with living relatives and make sure your standards match your agency's standards. If your agency is ethical they will use international adoption only as a last resort after family sponsorships have been offered and after all living relatives decline the opportunity to care for the child. If a child is a poverty orphan, could the family benefit from a humanitarian aide program or business loan charity? Are there other relatives that could raise the child? Biological families should receive extensive adoption counseling, and they should be warned of the hardships that can potentially go hand-in-hand with a child who has been removed from his culture and his family and is being raised by people he doesn't resemble, not to mention the feelings of grief and regret that may present for the biological families later. These things are very real. Adoption can be very beautiful and it can be very hard, and both parties should be fully aware of that before a single document is signed. I am also concerned about the fact that illiterate birth mothers have to sign documents that they can't even read. How easy would it be for a person profiting from adoptions to take advantage of a situation like that.


-Don't get attached to a particular child's photo before thoroughly checking out the agency. Photolisting sites are great, but keep in mind these organizations are not going to take the time to do the research for you. Some adopting parents will fall so deeply in love with that picture, they will do anything to get that child home, even if it means overlooking serious ethical concerns.


-Join the Adoption Research Group Yahoo group, a safe and private place for people to talk about their positive and negative experiences with their agencies. Search the archives.


-Google the name your agency as well as every person who will be managing your case. Keep in mind when an agency shuts down they can always just open a new one under a different name. Also keep in mind that most people are terrified to go public with their bad experiences, so be gracious when people choose to comment anonymously. Don't assume like I did that one person had a personal vendetta against somebody. People aren't going to take the time to fill out forms if not for a good reason. Here are a couple of agency rating sites that might be helpful: 
http://www.adoptionagencyratings.com/
http://adoptionagencyreviews.com/


-Call the state licensing agency where your agency is licensed and see what kinds of complaints have been filed against them. Ask to SEE the copies of the complaints. Keep in mind, when we called the licensing agency we were told all the complaints against our agency had to do with 'communication'. I guess technically a mother claiming her children were abducted and an agency denying any involvement in that could be considered a 'miscommunication'.  All that to say, don't trust someone's word for it. Look for yourself! 


-Find out whether your agency is Hague accredited. Hague accreditation is a good sign, but keep in mind that even some Hague accredited agencies have been caught in unethical practices. Hague accreditation alone shouldn't sell you on an agency. And if they were denied Hague accreditation AND refuse to tell you why....run!


-If your contract prohibits you from contacting in-country officials to check on your case, consider amending it to include permission to contact in-country officials at least to verify the orphan status of the child. Any agency who would prohibit this, in my opinion, has something to hide. Transparency is the key.


-Tax records for non-profit organizations are available to the public. Look at them, they might tell you something.


-Having a license, being Hague accredited, and being a member of the Joint Council really don't mean as much as I thought. Have you seen the recent Australian documentary where the adoption agency is caught red-handed exploiting children and families for the purpose of adoption? That same agency is licensed, Hague-accredited and a member of the Joint Council, and continues to facilitate adoptions even after they were exposed.


-Listen to your maternal instincts!! Really try to understand why a mother would 'abandon' her child. These are CHILDREN, not furniture being donated to the GoodWill. Considering there is a lot of money being exchanged in any adoption, consider who might be benefiting from it and ASK QUESTIONS. Any agency who is honest will gladly welcome your questions and not become defensive that you want to ensure adoptions are happening ethically and legally.


Things that I would consider red flags in an adoption agency:
-Avoiding your questions
-Prohibiting you from talking to others about your case
-Heavy involvement with birth families
-Short wait (or no wait) for a healthy infant
-Conflicts of interest, such as a referring social worker who also happens to work for the agency
-Refusal to share information about how to contact board members
-Requesting large amounts of money upfront, or changing fees
-Frequent lost referrals or moving children around


*Click here to read a long list of other red flags, mainly pertaining to domestic adoption.*


When someone told me recently there is a book about parenting the stolen child, I realized this really is a problem worth talking about in the adoption community, and I hope you will understand why I feel the need to post this. PLEASE KNOW that I am not and will never be anti-adoption. As distrusting as I am at the moment, I believe adoption IS God's heart. I know there are many children whose lives will literally be saved through adoption. Those are the children I want to focus on. But as long as people lie there will be questionable adoptions. I have simply come to realize the need for reform, for standards and accountability. Please do not let my last couple of posts scare anybody considering adopting. In my heart I believe MOST agencies ARE ethical and have the best interests of  the children in mind. But it never hurts to be cautious, right?


Feel free to add to this list if you have something to share. If anyone from the PEAR  (Parents for Ethical Adoption Reform) community have anything to add I would sure welcome your comments.

How can adopting parents know?

Since I posted my adoption story, I have been asked by a few people how adoptive parents can know for certain that their adoption agency's practices are ethical? I have been asking myself the same question and honestly I am having a hard time coming up with an answer that seems good enough. I am going to be doing a little bit more research in the next few days and I hope to put together a blog post with my findings.

In the meantime, please read this post. If I could write so eloquently it is exactly what I would have written myself.

Please don't call PETA......

From my bathroom I heard..."Mom, will make-up stay on a cat forever?"

And this is what I found:

So the Cover Girl was put to good use after all.

Young at heart

My 94 yr. old grandmother went to live in a nursing home recently. I tried to convince her that she should come live with me instead but she was pretty adamant that she was right where God wanted her to be. We went to visit her after church on Sunday and she had me laughing and crying at the same time. She was going around rounding up all the 'old folks' for dinner, shaking hands, telling people Jesus loved them. She showed me a table that she wants to convert into a craft area, so she can 'do crafts with the old folks'. One lonely old man wheeled himself over to where we were visiting in the living area and struck up a conversation with us. He was a methodist preacher. Grandma told him she was part Methodist, part Wesleyan, part Baptist, part Pentecostal, and part Catholic (Now I know where I get it from!)

She rounded up an audience so she could entertain the 'old people' with her piano playing. Then she asked John to share the story with the 'old people' of how our family knew there was a child out there somewhere who needed a family, and how we flew halfway across the world to rescue a little girl we now know as Ava. :)


I can see a lot of myself in my Grandma, including the way we both love old people and are both in denial of our age!!

When the decision was made that Nanny would be going to the nursing home, I was pretty sad about it because I felt like she didn't need to be in the nursing home. But now I can see why she needs to be at the nursing home. She does love old people, after all.


Sorry for the poor quality cell phone pictures. It's what I had at the time.

To put things into perspective....

I've really enjoyed reading your comments about Ava's first steps. True, walkingwill open up a whole new world to her and to us. :)


This comment was particularly meaningful to me posted by Michelle: matted hair, skin and bones, vacant eyes, chicken pocks...just look at the beautiful insides of the gift you received 2 years ago. I am so proud of her, and of you for trusting your love and Gods will. I love you guys....

You see, Michelle remembers my post "Our first visit" describing the moment we first met Ava at  the orphanage. Her sparse hair was matted, she was cross-eyed, covered in scabs, skin and bones and didn't make eye contact. Holding her was like holding a floppy sack of potatoes. Michelle remembers the overwhelming fear I expressed at the challenges that laid ahead for us. I told my husband recently how glad I was that he made 'the decision' and not me, or I'm afraid our lives would have taken a much different turn. We are so blessed to have that little girl in our lives.


Recently I saw on Reece's Rainbow, two little girls, both with Down Syndrome, who remind me SO much of my Ava. matted hair, skin and bones, vacant eyes, chicken pocks...just look at the beautiful insides of the gift you received 2 years ago.  I can't help but think of the gift that some other family is missing out on by not having these two girls in their lives. Maybe your family will be one of the lucky ones. If interested in adopting one or both (they can be adopted together), please contact Andrea at bamaroberts@comcast.net. And as always, if adoption is not for you, you can always help these children tremendously by donating towards their adoption fund. Please visit Reece's Rainbow to read more about these children and see how you can advocate for them.

To put things into perspective....and show just what a difference a family can make for these kids....here is Ava learning to sit up at 4 years old.....

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Ava's first steps....

...and the reason why we recommend that our guests bring their ear plugs.

I have witnessed a miracle....

This weekend I watched my soon-to-be 6 yr old daughter take her first steps.