Friday, February 20, 2009
Five years ago today you blessed the world with your arrival. Of course your dad and I didn't know it at the time. We would both have to wait almost 4 years to find you. I also didn't know at the time how deeply I could fall in love with a little girl born to another mother halfway across the world.
I have found myself awfully teary-eyed today. I keep blaming it on allergies, but I know better. I am thinking about your birth and wondering what it was like to be you and to be your mother in a country where nobody knows what to do with children born with disabilities. I would imagine your mother was very excited about your arrival, she probably labored long and hard for you and couldn't wait to meet you for the first time. She probably grieved to go home without you, and probably is still grieving today.
Sometimes when I think of your mother I feel resentment towards her for leaving you there. Sometimes I wish I could have been the one to carry you and feel you kick me and hold your sweet body seconds after your birth. Many times I feel gratitude that she brought you into the world and she gave you life.
But mostly I feel sympathy towards her, knowing she only did what her doctors instructed her to do and what society expected of her. She didn't know what else to do I'm sure. Mostly I feel sympathy towards her, though, for all that she's missed out on. She never got to see you grin at her and sign "mama", never got to see you stroking your baby doll's eyelids, never got to see how excited you are when your Daddy's truck comes down the road every day after work.
I wish I could tell you everything about your mother, and about your birth. Sadly there is not too much to tell. I know you were born 4 weeks too early, you weighed 4 and 1/2 pounds. Your mother was 30, she was married to your father who was 34. They were educated and both employed. I know her initials were I.G. I'm sorry I don't have a picture or a name.
I did receive a wonderful gift from Miss Kelly this morning though. One that I appreciate more than she could ever know. Miss Kelly, who is the one who held you and told me about you for the first time, sent these pictures of the hospital where you were born. I will treasure these photos always.
I love you my sweet daughter! I am so glad we found each other just in time. Happy Birthday!