Monday, July 19, 2010

Question #4 Do you really love your adopted children as "your own"?

Well I suppose everyone might answer this question differently. I can honestly say I love my adopted children as my own, because they became my own as soon as I adopted them! As we try to teach all of our children, love is an ACTION more than it is a feeling, and sometimes we love when it doesn't come easily. I can honestly say there are times I don't necessarily feel love for a loved one but it wouldn't change the fact that I would do anything for them. With adoption sometimes it is love at first sight, and sometimes it is not. I read once the advice "Fake it until you make it" concerning what must sometimes be done during the transition stage until the feelings come. I remember being SO worried about this before we adopted Ava, just like I worried that I wouldn't love my second child as much as my first, and my third as much as my first and second, and my fourth as much as my first, second and third, etc. This time around I can say without a doubt, YES I love my adopted children as much as my own. I think adoptive parents should know that it is common to feel at first like you are babysitting more than you are parenting. And I also think adoptive parents should expect that their adopted children may not appreciate being adopted as much as we expect them to. We should remember that every adopted child, no matter how 'mild' their story, has suffered enormous loss, and we should be understanding if and when our adopted children need to grieve those losses. We should understand that it may take a very long time before our adopted children can learn to trust us and maybe even longer before they are ready to love us back.

10 comments:

Shelly said...

Well put! I don't know how you couldn't love your adopted children! I have not adopted (yet) but i would say there has to be an instant bond, and like you said Love is an action. TOOO many people throw the Love word around and i am glad to hear we know the true meaning :)

~*Brittany*~ said...

I haven't adopted myself, but I don't think there is always the instant bond, so I really love the quote fake it until you make it. Sometimes in the beginning there is so much transition and adapting going on that you just need time to find a bond.

Amy...who wanted 4. said...

Great post Charissa!
I do think it is important to emphasize (like you did) that it is normal to not feel love at first sight. I equate it to falling in love with your husband. Sometimes you hear about people whom declare LOVE the second they laid eyes on their spouse, for others it might take quite a while to fall in love. Neither is wrong, just different. So many factors come into play and let's face it, most orphans come with some baggage....it is not like a newborn with an empty slate.
I remember my husband telling me that he was worried because he didn't feel anything the first time he met our daughter...he felt neutral. Because of other people's honesty, I was able to tell him that it was okay....the feelings will come with time (they have). Thinking you will have an instant bond might surprise you.
Anyway, great topic and honest post...love it!

Alice said...

I had trouble bonding with one of my biological children. Nobody warned me that this could happen. It was horrible because I felt so ashamed and guilty. I was much easier on myself with the adoption.

Justine said...

Great post! It took me about 3 months to "feel" like I loved Tim like my bio kids, but I acted like it all along (usually). It really helps to fake it! Now I totally couldn't differentiate between my love for any of my kiddos. It is really helpful to have a "love is a decision and action" mindset and not expect the feeling to be there immediately.

Anonymous said...

You know, I tell people too, I wasn't 'in love' with my first child when he was born. (by me) He was collicky and never slept. There was 6 months of me getting by on no more than 2 contiguous hours of sleep. I was just trying to keep him alive and me alive. Now, he's such a cool kid, I wish he was a twin.

I love this post!

Jan

Shelly said...

I don't know if what i said about an instant bond bothered anyone but that was just my opinion. I'm not saying you fall in love with the child right away, but i do know that for me personally i feel that bond with most children. Maybe someday when i do adopt i will understand what you guys mean, but for now i'm just going with what i have.

Charissa said...

Shelly, NO! You didn't offend anyone. You are right, many times it does happen that way! But for those that don't, it can be encouraging to know there are others who took a while to bond too. I bonded much easier with the second and third adopted children, because my expectations were more realistic, I think.

Shelly said...

Thank you Charissa! I do understand and i am so glad i have been able to "be apart" of your journey. I have learned sooo much, i have even learned to have more patience just watching everything unfold. Thank you for your words of wisdom! :)

Janell & Kenny said...

Thank you thank you for posting this! I hope and pray the right people read it! Charissa I know you know who I mean! Wish I could post this from a billboard and you know where I would too! Love you so much and thank you for taking my precious 20 year old who though she is my own doesn't always appreciate my action of love either! ha ha. Did Heather tell you we are coming to pick her up and be a part of the celebration? We can stay at my parents house so no more caos there. But we really really want to meet our new niece and nephew. Are there any plans I need to know of or anything I can do or bring? Brisket and green beans perhaps...tee hee we know where we can get that! LOVE YA!!!!